EXCLUSIVE: Transcript of Biden Summit with Putin

The parties present:

Russia: President Vladimir Putin; Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov; translator

The United States: President Joseph Biden; Undersecretary of State Victoria Nuland; translator

Putin:  About NATO…

Biden:  Hey, come on, man.  Don’t be talking about NATO. NATO’s a good kid.

Biden:  Anyway, let’s talk about the treaty…about the thing.  You know the one…

Putin:  Okay, let’s talk about the one known as the INF Treaty and how your country unilaterally…

Biden:  You’re a damned liar, man.  You’re a lying dog-faced pony soldier.

Biden:  You wanna go out and do some pushups, fat?

Biden: Nevermind.

Putin:  I’d like to reiterate that Russia has its own interests that must be respected.

Biden:  Look, don’t get too wiseguy with me or I’ll sic Corn Pop on you.  He’s a bad dude.

Putin:  About you arming Kiev and encouraging its reckless behavior…

Biden:  (flails arms in the air) Whawhawhawhah.  You’re getting nervous, man.

Putin:  I don’t get nervous. My martial arts teacher once said…

Lavrov: (sighs and lights up cigarette)  This is a waste of fucking time. Now I’ve got to listen to one of these damned martial arts stories again.

Putin: When you can take the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to leave.

Biden:  Yeah, yeah.  Pebbles from the Flintstones – I remember her.  She was cute. 

Nuland:  (jumps up and spills bag of cookies) It’s time for the President’s nap now.

Biden:  (looks around sheepishly) Oh, is that what I’m supposed to do now?

************

Biden: (upon awakening from his nap later) Gee, I don’t know, Vicki.  What do you think we should tell the EU about today’s summit?

Nuland:  You know how I feel about the EU, Mr. President.

Biden:  (Cackling) Yeah, yeah.  Say, did I ever tell you about the time I told old Poroshenko what he better do if he wanted that big fat loan?  Boy, I really showed them who was boss then…

4 thoughts on “EXCLUSIVE: Transcript of Biden Summit with Putin”

  1. Well, I guess we’ve all come to terms with the fact that the US is totally ‘non agreement capable’. Nice post though, at the end of the day if you didn’t laugh you’d cry. There is a seething disgust with the Americans from even the most tolerant of us.
    Personally, I await Putins’ speech at the State Duma on the 21st. He’s a true statesman (probably the only one left) it will be interesting to see where we go from here.

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