The parties present:
Russia: President Vladimir Putin; Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov; translator
The United States: President Joseph Biden; Undersecretary of State Victoria Nuland; translator
Putin: About NATO…
Biden: Hey, come on, man. Don’t be talking about NATO. NATO’s a good kid.
Biden: Anyway, let’s talk about the treaty…about the thing. You know the one…
Putin: Okay, let’s talk about the one known as the INF Treaty and how your country unilaterally…
Biden: You wanna go out and do some pushups, fat?
Putin: I’d like to reiterate that Russia has its own interests that must be respected.
Biden: Look, don’t get too wiseguy with me or I’ll sic Corn Pop on you. He’s a bad dude.
Putin: About you arming Kiev and encouraging its reckless behavior…
Biden: (flails arms in the air) Whawhawhawhah. You’re getting nervous, man.
Putin: I don’t get nervous. My martial arts teacher once said…
Lavrov: (sighs and lights up cigarette) This is a waste of fucking time. Now I’ve got to listen to one of these damned martial arts stories again.
Putin: When you can take the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to leave.
Biden: Yeah, yeah. Pebbles from the Flintstones – I remember her. She was cute.
Nuland: (jumps up and spills bag of cookies) It’s time for the President’s nap now.
Biden: (looks around sheepishly) Oh, is that what I’m supposed to do now?
Biden: (upon awakening from his nap later) Gee, I don’t know, Vicki. What do you think we should tell the EU about today’s summit?
Nuland: You know how I feel about the EU, Mr. President.
Biden: (Cackling) Yeah, yeah. Say, did I ever tell you about the time I told old Poroshenko what he better do if he wanted that big fat loan? Boy, I really showed them who was boss then…